Get up on the wrong side of the bed.

I remembered my mom used to say to me when we were in medan. She noticed that i always have this habit of sleeping at the very end of the bed. Be it on the left or right. A slight turn will make me end up being on the floor! And i tend not to move my body during my sleep. After sometime, it made me wonder. I don't think i was like that years and years back. And it may not be good for my blood circulation and i always have this back ache, neck restrain when i got up. Everytime it happens, i keep saying i might got up on the wrong side of my bed. Biologically and scientifically it's true.

But i'm beginning to realize there's a reason for this change of habit. I pretty much assure that it relates to my psychological emotion. After my breakups, i've been living in the mansion called "insecurity" and the feeling of unable to be free, afraid of scrutinization and.. come to think of the worse case scenario.. being a doormat! Why i say that? All my life, i've been too nice.. too kind and too accomodative untill sometimes it hurts me. Especially now. I have ample space but still i'm not fully utilizing the space i have for myself.. thinking i might hurt and always want to comfort people surrounds me and make them feel at home. There's nothing wrong with that and people will say.. "hey, its one good quality you have.. and don't change! People feel comfortable talking to you, consult to you when they need ears to listen to their problems". But what about my feelings? what about my problems? what about my space? Don't get me wrong.. i'm not complaining. Infact, I am more than happy to listen, to help, to see the cheer on their face after some miserable episode of life. I always be there for them.. but sometimes my kindness has been taken advantage on. When it comes to my problem i'll end up being a solo entertainer. A clown without an audience. Who's going to listen to it? i guess whats left is myself. And the best i could do is put that fake smile on my face and act like nothing happens! I've been doing it over and over again.. There goes back to my sleeping pattern. I know, i have no one sleeping beside me (apart of sometimes lisa does come and sleep over), but i'm afraid to take more space than i should to myself, and stay motionless afraid i might wake someone up. Make sense?

I guess its time to sleep at center of my bed. I want to be free, get full control of myself while still be in control, do whatever i want to do and move wherever i like whithout have to think i might make someone uncomfortable for my actions or less happy with space i conquered. And moreover i'm sleeping alone every night and why can't i enjoy the space i have! I'm the queen on my queen bed! Veni! Vedi! Vici!


Tips: for sex and relationships. You can diagnose here. For self diagnose, here.