Thursday, March 08, 2007

when you feel 247 is not enough..

so much things to do so lil time.. :( for the first time in many many rare ocassion i wished there's 10 days in a week! don't ask why but i have been penetrated with jobs, opportunities, commitments, attentions and people from 360. Sounds like a positive thing but that is super tiring when i am lacked of sleep and rest. And the worst part is i don't know how to manage that. Yeah, its true i should take one day at a time. But what if in ONE day you try so hard to do atleast one thing right but you end up doing nothing. So it does not make me a hero of the day.. instead zero accomplishment. And its best described in malay proverb.."Yang dikejar tak dapat yang dikendong tercicir plak tepi highway.." and that frustrates me anyway!

I need to work harder.. yeah i am positively sure i can do something out of my shutter clicking and earn some extra cash. I have received quite a number of requests for photography related stuffs. Its the matter of willing to take it or not. And that "willing" is very much depending on whether i have anough time to do it or not. All this while i have been turning off so much opportunities due to my current situation. Being tied up in some other commitment and you keep losing new things and opportunities. Quitting a job is not a wise solution. Unless i'm born in a tycoon family where i could open a business just to kill my time. ahahahha... but is that what i want to do? NO. even if i'm born as one!

My boss came to me and we had a conversation whether i am comfortable with the project. Maybe i am not being productive enough these days. YES. Not productive that is. I wished i could be the way i used to. Maybe i am just tired of proving and giving enough impressions. The unworthy feeling disturbed me and dragged it all down. The question now is whether i WANT to do it.. the boss is right somehow. I need to do something before my reputation 's scratched. Can't i be good at 2 things at a time? I am trying hard to juggle various things carefully to keep everything's on air. Work and career is something crucial in everyone's lfe especially when you are reaching this age. But another side that needs attention as much as you could ever balance. Personal, family and relationship.

Sometimes i am tired of becoming a subsets of everything that surrounds me. Can't i be 100% myself and worry not of other entities? But having not to disclose anything or everything and being careful enough with every single steps i take is so damn tiring. (don't understand? well don't have to. Boleh bikin pusing dong!). Well as long long as i know i'm not h y p o c r i t e, i can live with it.. People will keep talking and judging behind your back or right into your face, but i will just smile and whisper to myself.. "... i know what i'm doing.. and shut the kcuf up!" Listening to jazz is what i am doing now.. religiously! and that soothes my ear and calm my heartbit down.

I realized that when you want something so badly, you need to struggle shit your ass off of it. Things don't come easy. My blood, my sweat, my tears and my agony are for something thats worth striving for. I hope i don't fall and and bleed too much in chasing my dreams.